Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
