i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
