note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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