I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
