I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
