Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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