I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
