Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
