how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
