Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
