Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you had me at cake vodka
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
