I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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