I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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