my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
