so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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