He uses pillows to masturbate.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
