Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
barbara walters just said penis...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
