Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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