soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This is my gift to your gina
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
