I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
