how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I need moral support for this bender
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
