if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
