If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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