At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
