party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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