The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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