how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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