I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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