I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
