someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
