I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
