Moan for me like Helen Keller
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
