Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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