quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
