He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
