Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
