I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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