My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
