chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
