I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I understand Curling. That high.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
