How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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