Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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