my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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