Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
