I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
