well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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