Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
