FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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