I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
