im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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